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What No One Tells Women and Femmes About Sex

Updated: Dec 5, 2023

  1. (Stepping onto a soapbox with a megaphone) Virginity isn’t real. It’s a concept that’s entirely made up. Nothing will be or is “lost”. It’s a sexual debut as the sexuality field says! (stepping off soapbox)

  2. A clitoris is an organ and its only function is for pleasure. Thanks to Dr. Blaire Peters, it’s now known that the clitoris has over 10,000 nerve endings!

  3. Sex is for pleasure! It can also be for intimacy, connection, a release, and more!

  4. The length of sex doesn’t actually matter. Rather than the duration, ask yourself: Did you enjoy yourself? Did your partner(s)? Did you try something new? Did you enjoy connecting with your partner(s)?

  5. Orgasm doesn’t need to be the goal! What about shifting into pleasure!? Fulfillment? An embodied experience!? More on that at another time.

  6. Sex doesn’t need penetration and/or a penis to “count”! You get to decide how to define sex. The more expansive and creative you can get, the more likely you are to be satisfied….particularly with life’s pivots and changes (think after a baby, change in health status, etc.)

  7. WHO you’ve having sex with does not define your sexual orientation (lookin’ at you my queer/bi/pan+ and questioning bbs )

  8. Sex can be silly and playful. It doesn’t need to be serious or perfect!

  9. Lube. It’s totally normal to use AND it’s a great way to enhance pleasure! (If you’re using latex barrier methods (think internal or external condoms) or body-safe toys, please make sure you’re using a lube that’s compatible! Different materials need/like different ingredients! For example, a silicone toy should be used with a water-based lube.

  10. After care can be a really satisfying way to transition back into a “normal” or an ordinary state of being after a sexual experience. After care is from the Kink/BDSM community - the type of sex you’re having isn’t relevant though, it’s the concept that counts and everyone can benefit! After care can look like: cuddling, connecting, chatting about what you liked most, drinking water, just laying next to one another, taking a shower, watching your favorite show etc. Communicate what you’re needing for after care and listen to what your partner(s) are saying as well!

What are things you wished you knew? What would you add to this list!?

Have more questions? Get in touch with Emily, visit

This post was reposted with permission by Emily Fitzpatrick, MSW, LCSW

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